And on days like this, I feel lifeless. I feel something is missing. A part, a chunk of something within, that’s undiscovered. It is weird. My mother just calls it laziness. Because I don’t feel the strength to get up. I spent half of the time scrolling through the Facebook pages. Reading posts of ‘Sarcasm’, then, posts of people I pretty much don’t care about and looking into photos of the so called friends, liking some and then scrolling down….unlimitedly.
May be it’s because it’s a holiday. I like working days. I like being busy. I hate holidays….holidays without plans. Yes, I do make plans to study. But then, a phone in your hand, a laptop beside you, unlimited internet and then a thoughtless mind, what would you be doing? Facebooking, Youtubing, Instagraming, Tweeting??
Besides a couple of pimples, a slight back pain and few episodes of cough, nothing seems to have changed much, since the past couple of days. My mind feels heavy. I used to be much of a social person before. I never had boring days like these. Either I would be writing or drawing or crafting. And almost every single classmate was close to me in some way, back in college. I didn’t even had an active Facebook account back then. And I probably didn’t feel the need even. And now, in my Bachelors’, when I should be more outgoing, more lively that before, I feel a constant loneliness within. I am no more that extrovert I used to be. I don’t have much friends besides few who don’t live in the same city currently. I am not an introvert even. In fact, I have become this social mediac. Because here I am, waiting online, for someone to talk to.
I had a crush on a guy few months back. Some of our classes were the same, and in one of those classes was the first time I noticed him.
His eyes were deep brown. And his smile! Gosh! He smiled less but when he did, it was something magical. He was probably the least attention seeking or attention grabbing person, and yet, I noticed him. But the first time I talked to him, it wasn’t his eyes, I was looking into. Nor was it his lips, I was following. The first time I talked to him, I was looking at a screen. Typing the words after thinking for a minute, perfectly aligning the best words into a sentence, just so that I did not look too desperate to talk. And looking at smile emojis in his replies, interpreting that he was probably smiling. I talked to him a couple of times after that through the screen. I haven’t yet built the courage to talk in person with him and the story is pretty much stuck there!
Its stupid, actually. Now that I am lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about it. Keeping aside a few of my closest friends, all these people I talk to in social media, I barely know them. When I talk to a friend in person, or meet someone new, its a different story. Besides hearing their words , there is a whole lot of things that our subconscious is observing. Their personality, their gestures, their style, their behavior, their etiquette. But on a screen, all one can see are thoughtfully crafted words.
And yet I can’t get rid of it completely. The social media. It is like my frenemy. I can’t avoid it, I don’t actually feel happy with it.
I finally keep aside my phone, laptop and get back to studying…