……….. on that November day, you came. It was just another ordinary day turned magical, when you rested sleeping on my left arm. That day I had made a small promise to you; we both will see a day when each of us can say “Hey! You’re old, how did that happen so fast! “. I ended up feeding you, cleaning your shit, and baby-sitting you till you gave me your first bite! That grim day, I remember I hit you very hard and we both gave each other a shrieking cry immediately. This was the first of many qualms and fights we had, but it all soon changed when suddenly I overlooked you and got caught up with my own fantasies, my stupid dreams. You still loved me as any other heartfelt companion does, but I became preoccupied with my thoughts while you were waiting to just play with me. You waited and waited until my gloom sucked all the playfulness out of your lively body. I forgot the companion who helped me sleep through the difficult cold nights with the horrific inner demons. I forgot the simple promise that was made, and replaced them with fancy things and stupid tools. But as we humans usually do, I crept back to you once in a while in those dark times to feel your warm embrace momentarily only to forget it the next day that the time had passed. My addiction to the other worldly led me to be forgetful of all the little things that you were constantly offering. You were always there for me when it was supposed to be the other way around. I used you like a tool and wished your cries and howls be gone so I could be in isolated peace. Yet you never complained, although your perspective gradually changed about me.
On your 3rd year, the plague set in. Everyone gave up hope. Some even suggested putting you away or putting you down, but you endured and recovered. I nursed you back to health with the same laziness that I ever played with you. At that moment I realized you had only me, and I had many others, but curse my heavenly forgetfulness, I couldn’t keep the second promise I made than; ” I will protect you every which way possible!”.
Your slow but successful recovery was only momentarily enjoyed, I again poisoned you (and couldn’t stop others) with the erratic rations and routines. The one with the spoon never questioned the severity of his actions and the consequences that lay ahead. I deeply regret to not be able to maintain the health that you deserved. All because my stupid and foul notion of love and share, I fed and shared my food with you as erratically as I allowed to be fed myself. And soon after the plague rushed back in. This time I couldn’t care about you as much as I had. I became increasingly getting carried away by the worldly and other-worldly charms/duties and other artificial barriers. While you were unquestioning in your loyalty, I betrayed you to this foolish quest of overcoming social inferiority. I completely dishonored the responsibility I had towards you and pushed you away. Finally the icing on this cake came with another of you entering our home. Even though I tried to cure you of the plague, my incompetence got you replaced from your previous well received position as you were eventually sidelined. I understood your feelings but after several uprisings my energy got the best of me and I gave up on you. I failed stupendously to keep my second promise. The list of events are not exhaustive but I will stop here. I believe I blame myself more than I thought I did.
Last month has been the gloomiest of all Novembers, my inner demons finally emerged from their slumber to capture me and started chewing on me each day, piece by piece. The Thursday that he had been waiting came this week, when I disregarded my responsibility completely to keep you safe. And now you are mysteriously dead as roadkill, your sweet face shattered, you lovely jaw split and your powerful grace lifeless and limp. How could I not have saved you from your grim fate, how could I not even make it to your last breath, is this my punishment that you suffered or the consequences I was supposed to bear. My irresponsibility and boringly long goof made me overlook your safety and now I have lost you forever. Will I ever be able deem myself fit for protecting anyone? Who am I to be forgiven? What else have I not done wrong to carry you to your shallow grave?
3 days ago, I buried your breathless but warm body, I dug your last hole while your nostrils still bled, and mine crushingly pained. But I cannot imagine how much guilty I am. I cannot put a measure to it. I couldn’t help you swallow your last breath and now I can’t find any way back. I am lost without your sound, your presence.
I never welcomed you properly since it was so sudden and in the end you didn’t even let me say goodbye.
Thank you for being a part of me.
I will never miss you enough Punte. Please forgive my darkness and thank you for letting me see it.
Sadly, begging for your forgiveness
Your friend and companion
(PS: your smaller brother missed you a lot today…)