I used to be a worshiper of love, like most teenagers these days and back then. It’s fascinating how time changes, and we happen to evolve with it. And we never actually realize that evolution until we have reached far across.
As I turn back to see how my childhood passed by, too busy watching family dramas, Indian TV serials, cheesy Karan Johar movies, listening to romanticized songs, reading stupid love novels and collecting love quotes to note them down into my secret diary, I see where I went wrong. That little kid had a mind full of fantasies. She believed that it was the heart instead of the brain where all the emotions were created. She believed that the first feeling of falling in love was supposed to be unique. And it was somewhat unique, only that, the uniqueness was a result of her own mindset. All the conversations with her friends, half of time was related to boys and the rest, dresses and dramas. So, eventually that one little feeling of having a crush on a guy, me, a girl around 13 or 14 years old, would believe that the guy was ‘meant to be’.
And when you fall for the right person, they say, all the songs start making sense. When it’s the right person, you will notice that you have common taste in music, in movies. And I actually believed all that crap. They acted as fuel to my smoke and help turn them into massive fire, unstoppable fire, wild fire!! It engulfed me, separating me from reality, making me bound to my dreamworld. I am amazed to see now, how the writers did their magic. They turn any ordinary thing into art. They even make pain sound something so romantic that you would look forward to experience it.
Well, right now, I am nowhere near the whole fantasy of love. True love is a myth. And falling in love is nothing like you read about. How falling in love makes you believe that it is the guy you have always dreamed of. The one that the stars assigned you to. But sorry to your disappointment, there is no such thing as the right guy. And falling in love is as simple and ordinary as falling out of it. We never had to fall in love with our parents. A mother never had to fall in love with her child. Yet that love is the purest as far as my knowledge. Well, else, I do not believe one can truly ever love another.
I read this quote somewhere and I loved it!
“He wants to know if I love him, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”
But sometimes, now and then, I do feel that the little kid, the worshiper is somewhere alive in me. Hiding deep down, waiting to be found someday. And every love poem I write, pretending it won’t affect me in anyway and that it is only for the readers, I realize the little worshiper is getting stronger. Someday it might stop hiding anymore, and run out to enjoy the daylight. She will once again try to learn to feel the wind and to play with the rain drops. And I know I will try my best to chain her down again. Because that first heart break, I still can’t let it go.