I was trying to pay all my attention. As his lips were moving. And as he was smiling in between throughout. He was talking to me in words that could hardly penetrate me. Yes, I know that I have a history of complicating simple things. But I swear to you that I was trying my best to listen. And it was hard, you see. All that effort I was doing just to listen to him who was so interested in telling me his thoughts. In my head, all that was going in was none of his words but chaos. I had very minimal attention to what he was saying. Well, I guess I can be a pretty good actor that he couldn’t possibly guess it. That in my mind, I couldn’t feel myself anywhere close to him. I was away, far away somewhere else. Stranded in my own sea of darkness. And at that moment, I realized how terrifying this was. I was with this person physically but then he didn’t have the slightest idea of where I was mentally.

I feel bad. I really feel bad. But I had to let him know that it wasn’t working for me. I had to break his heart to break my chaos. I know I know. This was way too selfish.

I lie here now, left with further depths of my darkness. Stranded like never before. I wonder who is going to save me now.